I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years.
I didn't want to interrupt her.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Best regards,
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years.
I didn't want to interrupt her.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Best regards,
